Life? why is life so hard and complicating? I often wonder what really is the purpose of life sometimes when you have nothing but worries and nothing seems to get any better. You know that saying "patience is a virtue"? I really don't know what that is really supposed to mean but all I know is that "patience" is nothing I have at the moment.
Ever since Friday April 13, 2012 my life has been at its worst..well, kind of sorta. The only good thing that has happened to me since then was that on Monday July 2nd, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby.
The moment I saw those two crossed lines on the pregnancy test my heart just stopped and it was like everything around me paused for that minute. It's hard to explain what I was feeling all at once; scared, happy, emotional, worried..and so on. Even though some of my closest friends weren't as happy about the news because of the situation with the father, I really didn't care because all I could think of was that I finally get to have a precious baby that I have been wanting for so long and with somebody I truly love with all my heart. The babys father wasn't so thrilled at first, and he still isn't but that still doesn't matter to me.
See what I forgot to mention about my boyfriend was that he isn't the most responsible person in the world nor is he the most stable. He has four kids already with 3 previous women and he doesn't even take care of them nor does he barely see them. He's behind on his child support, doesn't have a stable job and only settles for being a waiter at any restaurant. He doesn't even get a check because it all goes to child support, so it leaves him with $0 on his check. He pretty much lives off of his tips, which doesn't even help him any because with that money he spends it the same day he makes it on alcohol, weed, pills or anything he could possibly get his hands on just to get the "feel good" moment.
Now that's why my friends weren't as thrilled about me being pregnant with his baby. He puts me through hell, along with everybody around him in his life, which includes his kids as well. He acts like he's still 20 yrs old when in reality he will be 30 yrs old in December. I honestly keep asking myself...what is it that I see in him and keeps me so in love with him? He has nothing to offer me..no money, no house, no respect, attention, honesty and the list goes on. I'm not trying to put him down and make it look like he's a bad person, 'cause he's not; but why do I still stay?
People ask me this question more than once every single day!
Why do I still stay when I still feel alone being with him and treats me horribly? I don't think I will ever have an answer to that question but all I know is that I care too much about him to give up just like that. No matter how hard and many times I have tried to just give up on him and think to myself I don't want or need him in my life..I can't bare the thought of him not being around, not seeing him everyday. That thought just kills me! I know he can change, i've seen him change so many things about himself since I started dating him but it's like he chooses not to and just doesn't want to grow up. I've asked im many many times why but he never has an answer nor does he ever have an answer to any of my questions. You might be asking how do I put up with all his bullshit? Yeah everybody asks me that but like I said before, I don't even know the answer to that question myself.
All I know is that I truly am in love with him and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help him out and stick by his side no matter what the situation is. That's how much he means to me. Not just because he's the father of my child, because me being pregnant makes no difference as to how I feel about him. Even if I wasn't pregnant, I know I would still be feeling and doing the same actions I am doing now towards him.
I hope somebody out there understands where i'm coming from and how I feel. I've yet to find somebody to feel the same as me. But will I ever find anybody to understand me? Maybe? Maybe not? It really doesn't matter though I guess.
I just keep wondering, why does God put all these obstacles in our paths of life if they are so difficult to handle? Only he has the answer to all these questions and we will never know. We will continue to live the life God intends us to live and only we can figure things out as we keep living. I just trust in God and pray that he helps me deal all these problems in the most positive way I can.
If anybody has any advice that you could help me with, feel free to comment or email me. I'm always up to listening to anybodys opinions.
